It was four weeks after his 22nd birthday that Richard received the most useless gift to ever exist. It arrived on his doorstep at 6:17 in the morning, a consequence of a letter that he sent those same four weeks earlier. Caving in to the pressures exerted by his gathered friends, he completed the little mail-in card, ensuring in the process that he would never actually go to Tahiti. He'd never won anything in his life. Still, his pals, fuelled by a little bit of brandy, had insisted that he had to win something. It was, after all, his birthday. The logic had eluded him at the time, but he figured that if he went along, at least they'd shut up. And there, waiting at his door when he first opened it at 7:48AM, was the result. He'd won fourth prize.

The card had fallen out of a magazine several days earlier, and had grafted to its front various images of surf and sand. A smiling sun, wearing the obligatory shades, despite the fact that it's the only thing in this solar system without reason to do so, was looking down on the attractive people that were busily soaking up UV rays in Tahiti. The vacation was the Grand Prize (odds of winning: in the order of 300 billion to one against), and there were numerous first prizes as well, consisting of nice, expensive things. As you followed the edge of the card, the writing got smaller, and the prizes more accessible - or at least less interesting. Flipping over the card would reveal a mass of tiny-type, detailing the many reasons that you (of all people) wouldn't win anything, as well as listing the fourth prize. (This is, if you will recall, the prize which arrived on the doorstep of our protagonist, currently known only as Richard).

Fourth prize was a lifetime supply of toothbrushes. Richard wasn't sure exactly whose lifetime they had used as a model, though, as they had crammed a see-through plastic garbage bag full of more than 500 brushes. After a quick approximation, Richard figured that he had more toothbrushes than he would use in the next 300 years. Still, it was early, and he was tired, and he didn't see the point in wasting them; he brought the bag inside.

He spent a confused day at school, wandering the halls, somewhat preoccupied with his recent acquisition. He reasoned that there was no point in letting his prize go to waste, so he decided to do the socially conscious thing and give as many of them away as humanly possible. Upon returning to his apartment, he found his roommate sitting in the living room, poking the big plastic bag with a stick. Richard promptly opened it and gave him 5 of the hygienic implements. At least two of them were green. When his friend Beth came over, he gave her two. She thought it was nice of him. When the neighbour asked to borrow a book he'd been wanting to read, Richard gave him three toothbrushes instead. When the newspaper collector came, Richard handed him the money in an envelope that had a yellow brush taped to it. He was greeted by a blank stare, to which he chirpily replied, "It's for you!"

For the next four months, no-one could enter the apartment without receiving at least one toothbrush. Sometimes he would sneak them into people's bags, to avoid the repetitious questions ("Where did you get all of these toothbrushes?"). If someone refused to accept the gift, he would fetch the big plastic bag and shake it at them accusingly. "Do I need this many toothbrushes? Do I?" Most of them would then accept three or four, either out of guilt or fear. At one point, he brought them with him to school, and set up a small booth in a hallway. He put up a sign proclaiming free brushes for all, but most were, not surprisingly, too suspicious to take any. He left a few of them on his professor's desks as presents, and then went home.

Richard finally called off his quest on June 23rd. He was down to about ten toothbrushes, and he figured that this was a fairly reasonable number to have lying around. No-one, he reasoned, could fault him for having three or four years' worth of toothbrushes on reserve. He threw them into his closet and forgot about them.

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